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anxiety, art, ASD, asperger syndrome, autism, autism spectrum disorder, autistic artist, digital art, fantasy art, horses, krita, mental health
Continuing on from my previous blog post, after regaining my art abilities and then scooting off and hiding under a rock at the flood of anxiety that ensued, I lost motivation and I lost that obsessive interest that allows me to effortlessly hyper-focus and overcome my awful executive function to complete art projects. I was sure that my brief moment of art was over and done with and life was returning to status quo.
However one evening, about a year later, a friend of mine showed me a free open source digital art program called Krita. I was no stranger to digital art, having used Photoshop since 1997 and having done a multimedia diploma and graphic art diploma, but Photoshop did not inspire me to paint. Krita was something else again – the brushes felt amazing to use and my obsessive focus latched onto it like a bulldog. My motivation returned and once again my art evolved over a short period of time from sketchy to complex.
In addition, not only did my motivation return, so did my imagination! After being unable to mentally visualise/imagine properly since taking that fateful medication, it returned in force and I was able to return to the fantasy artworks that I enjoyed when younger. I have no idea what happened up there in my grey matter to cause me to lose my ability and regain it fully 13 years later, but I felt whole again at long last. I felt like everything I had lost had returned to me in a better form, like a caterpillar disappearing into a cocoon to return as a butterfly.
Butterflies and butterfly wings actually became a recurring visitor in my artworks, which I didn’t really notice for a time. When I became aware of it, it felt apt and I decided it was probably a subconscious metaphor for the whole experience.
“Transfixed” Painted digitally with Krita in 2014. Visit here for prints and gifts featuring this art.
“Little Forest Guardian” Painted digitally in Krita. Visit here for prints and gifts featuring this art.
I began to take commissions for my digital artworks and this continued well for a while until I started to butt up against the same problems that had plagued my earlier foray into art. Once more I withdrew when the weight of it became overwhelming. I was beginning to feel a bit like a yo-yo at this point, despairing of being able able to ever turn my artistic abilities into something that could work for me.
All was not lost however! Several people are now working with me to help me gain a stable basis from which to work. With expert help and some at-home support I’ve been able to start gaining confidence at the ‘people’ side of being an artist. I’ve also had help with scheduling and tactics to keep my executive function at heel. To top it all off, I now also have an agent who deals with a number of artists on the spectrum. An organisation called Strokes of Genius have signed me and will exhibit and sell my traditional art in the USA. So – onward and upwards!
“Anticipation” My third acrylic painting, which is shortly heading to the USA.
The Art of Andrea Michael 
I love your art, as you know! 🙂
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Thanks for your support Judy, as always! 🙂
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Andrea, Very much enjoyed reading your stories and enjoying your art. I was diagnosed with Autism 8 months ago by a neuropsychologist. I was born into a dysfunctional but powerful family that hid me away in an attic and purposely didn’t have me diagnosed. So it was “a journey” (to say the least) to get here.
My family was NPD (narcisssistic personality disorder and I was “the scapegoat”, “bad not a child with a condition”. The isolation broke me and it was only in the paste 10 years that my life really began and truly began after my diagnosis.
I saw a lot of parallels in our experiences. My wife is asleep but I’ve bookmarked your page as I want her to see it as well.
Finding resources are difficult (in Ar) but trying. I’ve been back to college but physical health prevented my finishing (at age 50).
Thanks again for sharing your work. Hope you will continue.
Rick
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Thanks Rick, I appreciate the time you took to comment on my blog. It sounds like you have been having a rough time and I really hope things pick up for you.
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Thanks Andrea…..It’s been a bumpy 8 months. I discovered what had happened to me as a child the same week I got my Autism diagnosis. Am working on all the “ivenesses” i.e. forgiveness, self-forgiveness etc. I spend a good deal of time studying stories (such as yours) and others to find out how people are grappling with it. Still very new but optimistic (went thru one down time about a month into it) but it was a bit of a relief, really, to know “it wasn’t me”; even with a lifetime of PTSD (purposely inflicted by family), I was able to survive and finally thrive. Not always but I know to stay busy and do things I love doing. Thanks.
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That certainly sounds like a lot to work through at once. Like you, I had a down period not long after diagnosis. The reality of all my challenges set in and that it was a ‘forever’ thing, not something I could fix with a little bit of effort. Aside from that, I’m with you in feeling the relief of knowing there’s reasons for it all.
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